Sunday, April 27, 2014

Disoriented at best

Two plus months and counting since I've been back from Afghanistan and all I can say is I am so disoriented. 

So, this particular blog isn't about running…it's about trying to find out what I need to do to be myself again.

First and foremost is my son. He is the most important person in my life and the one thing I am most proud of. He completes me and makes me happier than anyone can at this point in my life. I don't want to lose him in my own self despair. I am trying to figure out how to get him back emotionally, not to look at me as if I am not involved. I feel like I haven't been involved in anything lately and that I've sort of detracted from those around me and unfortunately he has been a victim of this. I can't express how much I love him and need him, as he is a reminder to me of how precious life is. I want to strengthen our relationship that has been so weakened because of my inability to communicate. Now, I have readjusted my focus to be more involved with him no matter how hard it is for me to express myself I will do my best to be a good mother for him because he deserves one of his parents to be that rock he can lean on. I fully intend to be that one in his life.

Secondly…fitness…my primary source of decompression has even fallen to the wayside. "What the hell is up?" I continue to ask myself.

Not sure if it has to do with the emotions of redeploying and having to figure out real life again or if it is just me hitting some sort of emotional mid-life crisis where I can't even determine which way is north. 

Well, I'm doing everything possible to get myself right, in my mind and in my heart. I have to figure out again what was really important to me. Mostly, I need my son to know me again, and I need to know him, but I also need to be healthy so that he has someone to look up to and to lean on. I know that one thing that makes me whole and feel that sense of happiness inside is to run and work out. How many times do I need to start over?!? It's getting quite ridiculous that I keep trying to stay on track yet life has had a habit of derailing me. It's all good because what knocks me down only makes me get back up and come back stronger.

Until I hit the road running tomorrow morning, enjoy your day and…as I always like to say…

Keep on running and keep on keepin' on!

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